Giving praise that makes an impact

I have been watching the 'Sissinghurst' programme on BBC4. It is a documentary where the 'Donor Family' are trying to encourage the National Trust to adopt some new projects at Sissinghurst including growing more produce to use in the cafe kitchens.
I am aware that editing could produce a biased view on personalities and situations; there are some editorial minxes in the business! BUT there were a number of issues that resulted from poor communication on both the side of the Nicolsons (Vita Sackville West's Grandson Adam, and his wife the gardener Sarah Raven) and the National Trust.
I will have to produce a number of blogs on this topic, because there is SO much to say! I am going to focus on one incident today, that couldn't possibly have been edited.
This involves Ms Raven and the chef at the restaurant, Steve. They clearly don't get on! Sarah had been brought in by the NT as a food consultant and through her own particular 'style' of consulting, managed to put every one's back up. (As I mentioned, this will be covered in another blog).
Finally, after a number of painful months, Sarah ate in the restaurant and liked the food. She marched round to the kitchen where Steve was eating his lunch after his shift. Steve had recreated one of Sarah's recipes. Ms Raven said that it was good and tasty, BUT that it needed more nutmeg. Steve, I feel behaved impeccably - particularly given that he was starving after a long shift and wanted to eat his lunch.
However, SR did not once engage Steve: she did not have any eye contact with him and appeared to be 'praising' her recipe rather than his cooking abilities. She also didn't once look at him; it was as though it was begrudging praise. She then said "It was good" with her back to Steve as she flounced out. I would have done a '2 finger salute' at her, had I been Steve, and no doubt it did nothing to build up morale and bridges.
So how would I have delivered praise differently:

• Realise that whilst a chef was eating his lunch, it might not be the best time to chat. Ask him if it was a good time to chat.
• Rather than stand above him - as though he was a subordinate or naughty boy, I would sit down, to be on the same level.
• I would maintain eye contact.
• Be sincere, praising him and his team "Well Done" "Excellent".
• Encourage him to contribute to any criticism and for his views to be valued.
• Mention my own particular taste for more nutmeg "It could have tasted even better if there was more nutmeg"
• Praise again and refer to how far the project has moved forward.
• Maintain eye contact before leaving.

Great Customer Care - Ryan Air Style

I am just going to paste the link on - and invite comments...


http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/travel/your_say/article5773179.ece

Mind where you post an opinion

This week I did something that I've never done before: I posted a message on an online forum. This was in response to Austin being voted off Strictly Come Dancing. My son was distraught at this, and I started a new message stating this. I was astonished at the vitriol that some posters directed at my quite innocent comment. It seemed that for some posters, hiding behind a forum name, making personal attacks on myself and my son were perfectly acceptable, yet these comments were in the public domain. Fortunately I also had a pseudonym to avoid identification, but the hate directed at me by a minority was an eye opener. I should mention that the majority of posts were telling the minority to 'back off'.

Now I have learnt from this: I won't be posting another such message! But it made me think of how we communicate on line, and whether hiding behind a screen (whether it be via email or a forum) results in some people forgetting basic manners and communication styles that are unacceptable in other environments.

I remember receiving an astonishing email from a colleague when I was doing some singing teaching: he would never have spoken to me in that way, yet I had this crazy email. Perhaps as it was written I wasn't able to detect the nuance of what he was saying - although it was pretty blunt to me.

I also received an email from a Women's organisation, asking me to contribute to their website, to promote women's entrepreneurship. I had never met "Sophie" yet she copied me, and 100 other entrepreneurs into the same email, which had very girlie, friendly copy, signing herself 'love and kisses Sophiexx' - and demanding I spent 2 hours writing up something to promote her project. I am sure what she does is valuable, but her presentation, familiarity and style - to ask a stranger to volunteer time, did not engage me to assist her. In fact it did the opposite and I didn't want to be associated with her project.

My message today is to really consider how you use emails - and forums when communicating with others; whether they are good friends or strangers. Consider the best way of communicating which is respectful of the other person - particularly if they are a stranger.

The Power of the contract or confirmation letter

In the last few weeks I have had two situations where there have been misunderstandings resulting from a lack of communication. Neither have been a disaster - no blood was shed - but stress, frustration and time wasted would have been avoided.

I shall reveal more; the first was a lovely wedding on Saturday, when some of my talented musicians were performing as a string quartet. The contract I drew up said "Black Tie". The wedding planner didn't clarify this; the musicians wear "Afternoon Black tie - i.e. the ladies wear short black dresses in the afternoon for concert engagements"..... The Wedding Planner was disappointed. It goes round in circles. As I mentioned, it was not a disaster, and one might deduce the Wedding Planner was being rather picky. We have, however, agreed that in future, she needs to be very specific and the string quartet will also ask the question "Short or Long".

In the other situation, I was delivering a team building event, via an Event Management Company for a trainer. She didn't want the client or I to speak directly before the event. I do understand this; there is an element of trust in providing contact details because occasionally an unscrupulous person might 'take' the contact from you for future work - not me though! However, this meant that the client's expectation of the event and my brief didn't match.

This included an expectation that I was producing a studio quality DVD of the activity, to the length of the activity. Of course, I didn't want to create conflict (yes, I am adverse to this), however, I didn't want to have to deliver something that wasn't planned - and something I wasn't being paid to do. We also want to deliver a service that is outstanding, and one that is even higher than the expectation of the client!

My assistant, the wonderful Gary and I worked really hard and totally changed our planning for the session. In the end they wanted TWO DVDs... Not having the backing of the Event Management Company, I wasn't able to say "There is an additional charge for this"... However, every situation is a learning opportunity. We now all realise that:

1. A contract is valuable and is more likely to create repeat business because the agreed activity/service is delivered.

2. To specify exactly what is expected for the fee, and what additional charges there are for (e.g.) DVDs, recordings, debrief reports etc.

3. It is okay to put a clause in a contract to the team building company, stating you can't tout your own business. It is also okay to trust the supplier!

4. If the supplier and client speak before hand, the event is going to be more successful; the supplier is likely to be a specialist and can advise; the event manager is often a 'sales person'.

In my case, a 2 1/2 hour team building event - that has taken two days with preparation and the wretched DVDs that I've had to edit, master, copy etc. will be avoided in future - or at least I will be paid extra for this additional work. Otherwise, I won't accept the work.

Apologies: I'm sounding very stroppy and this isn't intended to be a rant - but I just want others to avoid any problems!

Give the man a hug!

Last week I was at the inspirational Enterprising Women conference. As well as meeting a number of wonderful business women I was able to catch up with old acquaintances. One of the key discussions was "Our Men" - or more accurately complaining about "Our Men".

One lady was horrified when her husband brought home a labrador puppy for the children - without consulting her. Another could only communicate with her husband by TEXT message - even when he was at home.

Today I heard that my son's friend's Dad died suddenly in the afternoon. His lovely wife Annabel won't be able to grumble about him. His children won't be able to play football with him, or have a piggy back. They won't have their Dad being Father Christmas or driving them to parties when they are in their teens. He won't watch them receiving their degrees.

I'm so lucky; I can hug my husband tonight, and even if he annoys me sometimes (occasionally), he's still here in our lives. So - hug a man or woman tonight - and count yourself lucky!

My very best wishes and thoughts go to Annabel, Javier and Pia.

Reading other people

We had a tremendous time at the Fielder Centre, Hatfield for the 'Make an Impact with Your Voice' workshop. The delegates discovered new aspects of their vocal and communication styles and how they could be more effective in a variety of business situations.

There were a number of very interesting discussions, but I am going to share one with you. A highly successful academic shared her frustration in communicating with an external member of her staff. The woman concerned closed her eyes, moved her head around and generally didn't connect with the academic. The workshop participants all interpreted this behaviour in different ways - was she nervous, disinterested, self absorbed,arrogant, vain, shy??

The academic - who interpreted the external staff member in the same way as me, was, understandably finding it difficult to have an engaging conversation with her. Obviously when you are speaking with someone that has profound mannerisms, you are going to react to these - and not necessarily in a positive way. We remember previous instances and people that have these mannerisms and if we are not careful, we can fall into the pattern of reacting to these memories.

Our aim is to be as an effective communicator as possible. Occasionally that is a real challenge, but in these situations, it is worthwhile taking a mental step backwards, neutralise the memories to say it is a new situation, and start again! We are as responsible for communication not working as much as the person we speak to, and if we can be open and friendly, the chances are that the conversation will be more successful.

Of course, there are going to be people we don't get on with, or who are impossible to communicate with - but let's try to give them the benefit of the doubt until you have tried a number of styles!

Last week I attended the most amazing concert at the BBC Proms. It was the Berlin Philharmonic orchestra: a world leader in orchestral terms, with Sir Simon Rattle conducting. What was so astonishing was the energy and commitment from very member of the orchestra. Despite any rivalry, egos or personal ambition, they worked as the ultimate team to produce sublime music.
Rattle led them in an impressive way; this was someone only using body language to communicate 100 people. Obviously they had practised the piece a number of times, and Rattle had been able to verbally communicate his intensions during the rehearsals, but changes in venue, the television lighting etc could have put the orchestra off..
Thinking about the whole process of performing: what made this performance - or outcome outstanding was a combination of world class musicians, preparation (rehearsal and Rattle knowing the piece, from memory, inside out) communication and a commitment to the outcome.
The target or outcome they had as a team was the performance; they were all committed to this, and also to maintaining their reputation.
What can we learn from this: create a clear target for your team; create ownership for the whole team; communicate your intentions; set a time scale and be properly prepared - with rehearsals (or the equivalent) if necessary.
If the Berlin Philharmonic can achieve outstanding results - so can you!